Under the Shadow, A Place of Wonder

All my life I’ve felt a hunger for that which is authentic and/or real. The hunger began after graduating college in 1996 and once again surfaced after a negative church experience ending in 2007 or thereabouts.

A church I attended up to 2007 fell prey to a deceiving lead pastor and what, by all legal definition, could be called spiritual abuse. Raw and shaken by this abuse I stepped away from the church life I had attended dutifully up to this point in my life.

Years passed and in 2009 I sought to discover if there was a new church in my new hometown capable of being authentic and real in their pursuit of God and His heart. Churches are filled with imperfect people. I wasn’t looking for perfection but I was looking for something more than church entertainment. I needed substance. I needed to heal. I wanted His presence.

A few church visits were now in my rear-view mirror. I couldn’t tell you exactly what I was seeking but I knew I’d know it when I experienced it. The final church on my list was up for a visit on the approaching Sunday.

The morning of the visit I recall telling God, “Okay, I’m going to try this new church out today and if you are there I’ll keep going back but if its just another service with no real heart for you then I’ll just take a break from looking.“

The worship time started. I stood in the back of the room just a few rows away from an exit in case I felt like leaving. I listened as the songs being sung that morning and the truths being spoken during worship resonated with things the Lord had me read or encounter in the week leading up to the worship service at this new church.

The heart of the people leading worship was palpable. The hunger was for true worship and not just music to pass the time before a sermon. No, there was depth and hunger in that worship. A level of worship that opens up encounters with the Father and His heart. David says it this way,

“Worship God if you want the best; worship opens doors to all his goodness.” (Psalms 34:9 MSG)

The whole thing was a fresh drink of water for a man who was coming out of a few years in the dry desert of leaving behind spiritual abuse and questioning everything he knew about church and God. Some may cringe at the thought of dropping out of church like this but, for me, it was a healthy time of coming to terms with what “I” believed about church and God. and not what someone told me I had to believe.

Anyway, as David alludes to in His words, true worship changes the atmosphere in a room. One person alone in their home, or standing in a stadium, has the potential to shift the atmosphere of a place toward God’s heart. Standing in that environment of worship at this new church, the Lord dropped a picture into my heart. A picture I wanted to explore.

Writers know that sometimes the Lord will just drop a new concept or idea into your heart. A simple picture that we are left to explore with our words. The more we write, the more we see. The rest of this article describes what unfolded in my heart back in April of 2009 while standing in the middle of a worship time at the church I now call home.

The concept God spoke into my heart that morning opened up for me what it means to rest “under the shadow of His wings”. God wanted me to see the awesome place of discovery one can encounter when he/she embraces Psalm 91 to take shelter under His wings.

Here’s what I saw and explored during worship that day…

“I stand beneath a ceiling of leaves. Each leaf acting as a feather in underside of the father’s majestic wing I now find myself resting under.  Leaves defined the trees upon which they dangled giving them shape and substance.  A forest filled with these trees surrounded me.  The beauty of the forest I’m in can only be compared to the majestic beauty found when standing on a mountain for the very first time. Perspective is forcibly altered. A smallness of self overwhelms you as your eyes transfix on the wonder of its majesty and beauty of something so supreme and awesome to behold.

The oasis in which I find myself numbs me with depth and detail. It’s all too much to take in. Instinct tells me that the trees providing cover for me in this open, yet hidden place, were not just trees but they represented all of the truths I’ve learned over my life. Not those truths you’ve merely read but the truths you’ve lived, breathed, agonized over, stood upon, persevered through and experienced. The larger trees came at a higher price than the smaller.  In some cases a tree represented more than just a single truth. Instead, pass after pass walking around those same mountains in my past seemed so pointless at the time.  I now know that each pass grew rings of wisdom, strength, love and experience into these trees surrounding me. The greater my understanding and experience with a particular truth, the larger the tree in this oasis garden. The shadow of these great trees of truth provided shelter and rest for my heart and my soul in ways I did not think possible.

Trust…that was the name I saw inscribed in one of the larger trees. Trust, originally born out of fear, that gave birth to a large tree providing shelter from my former fears. A comfort of love that makes no sense yet the shade from this tree was obvious.

I saw another tree named Provision. The branches of this tree represented all the moments of financial distress and worry I had experienced in my life. One branch when God provided for the college bills I was unable to pay. Another where God provided me with food on a trip when I had no money for food.  Yet another where the generous Father provided $3000 to go on mission trip I couldn’t afford. All sorts of branches…each a story of what felt like trial and tribulation to me but God used to birth encounters where I saw His care and provision first-hand.

All these branches were a reflection of my past and His provision.  What’s more, each branch stood out to me as the wind blew across the top of this tree called Provision. The father especially loved these individual branches.  Each represented the times I had taken a risk using scripture as my foundation. Risks where I witnessed some new aspect of His authentic and very real care for me. Special moments of weakness giving birth to these trees of truth. Trees that cover and shelter me with rest the more I grew in my understanding of the truths they represent.

The high branches of the tree called Provision intermingled with the branches of the tree named Trust. While the shade of each independent tree was significant, together, they formed a much larger canopy of shelter.  A canopy greater than if they stood alone.  Provision and Trust working together closely to shelter me and shade me with comforting rest.

The more I looked, the deeper I saw.  Each tree had not just one purpose…but multiple.  Not only did these trees provide shelter, shade and rest for me but also for those who stood beneath them with me. People I invited into my story who discovered such a place was possible in this Life of relationship with God.

The trees of this oasis also bore fruit. Fruit that filled me, inspired me with flavor, brought color to my life and enjoyment in this garden oasis. I say oasis because life can sometimes feel like a desert but I now know that standing under the Father’s majestic wing to find rest is actually a place of wonder and discovery.

Suddenly, like a crack of thunder, I realized all of the truths I had come to know and experience throughout my life had created this Oasis of shelter and rest. A place I can run into and no one could take away from me. A place not just of shelter but also of wonder, curiosity and exploration. A place of possibilities.

Of course, none of this would be possible without the love of the Father and his creative mastery in taking the weaknesses, shortcomings failures and frailties of my life and transforming them into a work of beauty and refuge. 

Wonder and awe overwhelmed me as I gazed upon the beauty the Father had crafted from the uglier moments of my life. I looked to Him, though I could not really see him, and yelled….”this is amazing!” Words that seemed shallow compared to the depth of emotion I felt inside.

Many trees grew in this garden. Small saplings intermingled with towering redwoods.  I began understanding that these trees grew bigger and stronger the more truth was watered and cultivated in my daily life.

The longer I spend in this oasis the more I realize its also a place of habitation. A place for life and living things. A life within this forest beyond my own presence.  You see, this was a very clean and innocent place; a place where one finds delight.  A place of rest and relaxation. A place in Him where I find His shelter, His care, His provision and His comfort. A place surrounding me in unexplainable beauty. A place of under this wing of His shelter that glows in prismatic wonder.  One would need several lifetimes just to begin to explore its depth of beauty.

Outside this oasis is death and desert. Death and desolation formed the backdrop for this place of beauty.  The more you taste of it the more unfathomable it is to think anyone would ever leave it.  Water, life, food, provision and many other gifts await me in this place. Why anyone would step out from under this place of shelter and rest just to pursue some distracting sin was beyond understanding.  Yet, though it defies logic I nonetheless had done so many, many times. 

Beauty becomes a prison where there is no freedom.  I knew this meant I could come and go as I wished but I always knew the oasis would be waiting to cover me once again.

At times, I could feel a pull to go back into the desert surrounding me.  I mean, the desert is where I was from. Yet, I also knew the oasis is where I belong. At first this perplexed me. Should I be in the desert or should I stay in the Oasis?  I’m quickly reminded that the Oasis, a seeming mirage, is in reality a place where I can run, hide, find shelter and drink fresh water. Interestingly, I knew the oasis garden held more truth in the reality of things than the desert could ever hold.

Taken by all the things around me I finally decide to sit down and relax in this oasis garden. The moment I sat down I saw a small flock of doves clasp onto me, lifting me into the air. Almost as if a narrator cued the event, a voice says in soft, deep, yet confident tones, “my yoke is easy and my burden is light”.

I felt as if the birds are demonstrating the lightness of his burden but how can this paradox be? I mean a burden carries with it the idea of weight, drudgery and heaviness. How can a small force of 20 birds lifting me into the air express His light burden? While I didn’t fully understand it I started to realize that some truths, like Trust and Provision, provide shelter and stability while others find expression in action and movement within this place.

The doves, likened as unto the Spirit, flew with graceful ease upon the wind. The moment I chose to lay down on the plush grass within this oasis to relax is when I found the burdens being lifted. I chuckle as I think about how the birds are lifting me and jokingly wonder if I am the burden they are lifting. A second later, as sobriety overcomes me, I fearfully wonder if maybe I was not permitted to sit on this grass . After panicking slightly I understood that I was not the burden. Instead, the dove’s purpose was to lift the heaviness of my burdens and carry me to my rightful place. My sense of not being in the right place on the grass was correct. I wasn’t meant to reside on the floor of this garden. Instead, the doves were lifting me and my burdens while taking me on a journey to my rightful place.

I cannot see this rightful place in my sight right now. All I know is that these doves were not only allowing me rest, lifting my burdens and carrying me they were also taking me to where I belong.

Each and every moment I was being carried by these birds I sensed oil trickling down upon me from the points where there feet attached to my clothing. I sensed that very soon I would be covered with this oil. While it was uncomfortable / unfamiliar to feel this oil all over me there was something right and appropriate in its application.

While I was being carried by these pure, white, doves I felt my head gaining weight and becoming heavy. It was as though the weights and burdens of other things, things less noble, were beginning to weigh upon my mind and burden me again. Fortunately, the doves sensed this shift in weight and they reinforced my mind so that the weight of those things would not overcome me.

Despite the help of these doves I sensed that at any point I could give in to the burdens of my mind and let them overtake me. Resulting in my inevitable descent back onto the garden floor. Fortunately I figured out that the oil I was feeling was partially intended to keep the heavier attachments of life from attaching to me and making it harder for them to weigh me down. Once they did start attaching to me I could sense the weight of them trying to pull me down.

The paradox is that the more I fought and struggled, the more danger I was in.  Yet, the moment I stopped struggling and let the doves take control, no matter how random their path, I knew the burden would be lessened, and that I could just rest again as they carried me.

The oil that started as a coating was now saturating my clothing and beginning to drip from me and into the grass below. Interestingly two things were happening as this oil would pass through me. First, the oil seemed to have a cleansing agent to it. You see the oil didn’t just pass over my skin, it passed through my body much like water is purified passing through layers of rock. Though, instead of the oil being purified as it passed through me, the oil purified me!  I felt the oil draw out impurities and expel them to the ground below.

Secondly, as the oil would drip to the ground below I was concerned because the oil now seemed tainted with my impurities. I knew that once the oil hit the ground it would act as a seed and something was going to be birthed in the soil. At first I was concerned that my impurities would introduce something awful to this garden. I mean, each drop carrying my impurities seemed to carry the potential of ruining the scenery of this oasis.

Worry overtook me, weight started to carry me down to the ground but something interesting occurred as I saw where the drops of oil, mixed with my impurity, landed. You see, the soil of this oasis was unlike any soil I had ever seen. Because the soil had the ability to take that which is impure and birth something beautiful and breathe taking. I always used to think my impurities, imperfections, sins and shortcomings would produce something nasty and grotesque but in this place of rest, in this oasis, all of those impurities were turned into something beautiful, purposeful and life giving. I knew that trees like Trust and Provision had come from things less noble God was working for my good.

An odd paradox this was to me. My understanding of it is equally confusing. Though this magical place was surrounded by death, desert and sand, I discovered that everything within me, the good, the bad, the sinful and the rebellious produced not the horrid and deadly things I assumed…rather those things were transformed into something of beauty, of purpose, of honor and of note.

While I have no idea how I came to this place of rest or purification I sensed that the passing of the oil through my body was cleansing me, washing me and starting to change me. In the beginning, and during those times when I felt my head or body becoming weighty, the birds were numerous in strength, yet delicate, always carrying me but as I gained height and the burdens were lifted I sensed fewer birds.

Now, one might think that a larger number of birds carrying me would produce a larger amount of oil.  This was not the case.  In fact, the fewer the doves the more the oil. I did not understand this irony at the time, nay I still do not but I knew that the oil would pass through me and it wasn’t just cleansing me, it was transforming me…I was being changed.

Something dawned on me as I gave in to the beauty around me. This place I was in and the beauty it contains all came from the soil of the desert around me. I realized that all the moments I chose to rest in the past were moments of cleansing, transformation and pressing that resulted in the creation of this oasis garden. It is hard to express but it’s as if all the random and accidental choices I’ve made over the years to rest and relax in the truth of “finding rest in the shadow of his wings” were the very moments when His oil of purification would give birth to the beauty of the oasis surrounding me.  I learned this oasis grew every moment I spent under the shadow of His wing.  The oasis was always growing and expanding and there is always something new and majestic to explore.

The oasis was not just a place to run and hide, it was a place that the Father was creating for me to dwell and inhabit. It was a place where all I am, the good, the bad and the ugly, was turned into something beautiful in which I could dwell, find safety, find Him and explore the beauty and wonder and majesty of who He is and what he is capable of creating.

I instinctively knew that He loved to take these blackened parts of my life, and through his transforming oil, birth something of beauty. Not only did he enjoy this but he further enjoyed that he was able to share and express his love for creating beautiful things. The oasis, the garden of rest he leads us to, is his canvas and the paints were my very weaknesses. He had taken all of those things and created a habitation, a place of hiddenness, a place of wonder, a place of exploration…a place of rest.

I suddenly began to cherish my weaknesses because he was able to use them for a purpose, for something good.

How could I not spend more time in this place? I mean, if I have a choice between the dry and deadly desert and the wonder of this oasis I think the choice is clear. I must learn to revel in this place for I will be forever changed if I do!”

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